Why Just Changing Self-Talk Won’t Work

You may have had a negative belief about yourself, tried to change that belief with some positive self-talk, but found that just thinking positively didn’t really change anything.

According to object relations therapy, this pattern could be because the problem isn’t so much about the negative belief, but is about the process around the negative belief. Figuring out the function and history of the belief can help in changing that negative belief or at least help shift emotions connected to it.

One premise of object relations theory is that individuals internalize or take in aspects of others into the self, particularly during early development. For example, a small child might internalize a parent’s stability, emotional assurance, and presence, which can be used as an internal resource for the child to face scary or difficult situations.

However, these internalizations are not just mirror reflections of what is outside a person getting placed inside a person. Individuals’ inborn personality, cognitive abilities, and perception filter how information is processed and internalized. Relational dynamics also impact this process.

Sometimes already negative messages heard from others may be unconsciously intensified by an individual to feel a greater sense of safety, control, or to manage emotions. Without purposely doing so, a person may begin to have all-or-nothing thinking, because this kind of thinking can feel less overwhelming than processing nuanced pain. These individuals may say they were never told negative messages from others growing up, but they cannot stop thinking deeply negative beliefs about themselves.

As a therapist who uses object relations theory, I tend to consider the following questions when meeting with clients.

• What was going on before the symptom began/what changed?

• What function does the symptom have? (What would it be like if the symptom disappeared – what would person have to face/change?)

• What is within the person’s control and what is outside the person’s control?

• How does this person’s early development, previous experiences, and internal framework impact how they interact with their world? What needs weren’t met – Can they be met/healed through corrective experiences? What is imbalanced? Can it become more balanced?

• Basic biology – Are they eating well, using physiological supports (e.g., deep breathing, medication management with a physician, etc.), living with routine?

• Is this person experiencing neurodivergence – are they experiencing needed supports?

• Are there environmental factors that are unsafe or would be too much for any individual?

• How does this person’s culture impact them and how can it be supported?

• How does this person make meaning out of their world?

• Is the person’s goal realistic? Is there anything to be grieved here?

• Is the person experiencing any information that needs to be consolidated (such as by EMDR therapy or by emotionally processing opposite emotions, such as love and hate felt toward someone that harmed them)

Emotional pain and negative beliefs are typically developed through multiple impacting forces. Being able to recognize past patterns, acknowledge and process difficult emotions, and recognize what is within or outside of one’s control can help deeply shift patterns. If you are the Cincinnati, Ohio area and would like help addressing your previous patterns and how to change them, I would like to help. I can be reached at #513-848-7268 or catharina@oakscounseling.hush.com.

Catharina Jordan, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist - Ohio P.08273/Florida PY9617